Twilight
by sordidheart
Summary: This is a sequel to another story I wrote that's published here called No White Horses And No Picket Fence.KellyxRyan
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_Kelly_

You don't kiss me or hug me or tell me that it's all going to be okay and that's…well it's not like I was expecting you too…or something.

We get there too early and I don't, I don't know what I was expecting…on TV there's always protesters…for both sides, on two sides, and one side is screaming and yelling and holding up signs of mutilated baby corpses…and someone from that side always runs up to the soon-to-be-not-a-Mother-to-be and pleads with her "Please Miss it's not too late you don't have to do this!" while she's doing this I don't know…this march or whatever…to the door of the clinic.

And on the other side there's the people screaming things like "It's her body!" or "It's her choice!" or both.

And someone else will scream out "Murderer! Whore!" and the crowd will be so full of people desperate to get the girl's attention, so many angry, pleading, voices all screaming at once that eventually the voices all blur together and you can't tell the pleading from the angry and the voices are so loud and violent and just so completely utterly harsh that the screams of "Whore!" and "Murderer!" "Choice!" "Body!" all just melt together, just blur together and you can't tell the difference between who hates you and who doesn't who's on your side and who's not and just trying to tell the difference is so confusing and so suffocating that the girl just ends up with a headache…

That's how it's always like on TV or in books…

I don't know maybe you and I just got there on a slow day or something. Because no one's there it's all quiet, there's no one there but you and me.

Just me and you… not holding my hand.

And I guess it was for the best right? I mean what would I have done if some screaming voice had told me that "It's not too late?"

If someone's pleading eyes had said "You have the right to choose?"

What would I have done I mean…I fold like a lawn chair under pressure.

We go inside and you say we're early. Like twenty minutes early.

And a receptionist sits behind glass turning a _People_ and looking bored.

And some girl who's sitting two seats away from us is sitting next to an older guy who I guess (I mean I hope to God) is her Father and she looks so pale and he's working hard not to look at her I can tell. Sitting on the other side of the girl is a woman about forty she's reading a book and also not looking at the girl.

There's a pretty silver bracelet on her wrist.

His suit looks really expensive especially compared to the girl's faded jeans.  
Someone walks out (The Doctor?) and says "Olivia Taylor?" and the girl stands up walks two feet and bursts into tears.

And the woman looks up from her book and opens her mouth like she's going to say something but the man holds up his hand, stopping her and says "She did this to herself Claire."

And Claire closes her mouth and pauses as if she's considering this and then her eyes leave Olivia's and goes back to reading her book.

And all I hear is loud sniffling as Olivia is lead away.

_"It's not too late you have a choice!"_

I look at the cover of Claire's book.

_Mrs. Dalloway_ it says.

And while I'm staring I feel your hand shift, you reach over and touch my wrist as if to comfort me and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, it's just for a second and then it's gone.

And now we're only fifteen minutes early.

_Ryan_

And if I could just…not…be here right now…that would be great…if I could just close my eyes and…if I could just leave…

What made me think I could do this?

A little girl cries and her parent's look angry for the inconvenience.

I touch your wrist and you flinch.

So I pull my hand away and you look at the clock.

We have fifteen minutes.

That's not really very long, right?

"Ryan?"

I pretend I don't hear you.

"Ryan?"

The truth is I'm afraid of what you'll say.

_"Ryan."_

"Yes?"

"I need some air. I'm going out."

"What?"

"I'm going out just for a second."

"But…"

"Just for a second…I'll be back. Okay?"

I look at the clock. The girl's Mother turns a page in her book. The girl's Father coughs.

"Okay." I say.  
And you stand up and walk out the door.  
The receptionist looks up, looks at you walking out, looks at me.  
"She'll…she'll be back." I say.  
And the receptionist just shrugs and goes back to her magazine.  
And suddenly I miss Pam.

_Kelly_  
So I'm standing outside and it's way too early and I'm cold.  
And I don't know what I'm doing I guess I'm just sort of pacing and a car drives by and…I don't know what I'm doing…I have no freaking clue what I'm doing anymore.  
And I think about where I am.  
And I think about _it_.  
And I think about six months from now where will I be…  
Fat and Sick?  
Or just…not?  
I wrap my arms around myself to get warmer.  
And I pace.  
It's early.  
It's just so early.  
And this place..and this town…and this world…it's just so bleak.  
And I close my eyes because everything is swirling and I know you'll come looking for me soon.  
And all that's inside me is just this..this…I can't even…I can't even um really describe it..to anyone least of all you…I can't tell you what I was feeling in that instant.

My mind was all shaky and swirling and all these weird random thoughts kept drifting into my head like maybe I don't have to do this…maybe somehow my parent's would understand...  
Maybe I could be somebody's Mother…

And I don't know when I start walking. Because my eyes at this point are still closed. I don't know when I start walking…all I know is that eventually…  
I do.

_Ryan_  
I understand you know…you may not believe me but I do…I understand.  
Kelly.  
I do.  
"Kelly Kapour?"  
I'm all alone. The girl and her parent's are gone.  
And you're nowhere to be found.  
"Kelly Kapour?"  
The receptionist looks up from her magazine, looks at me, smirks.  
I've never hated anyone so much in my entire life.  
"She went out…" I tell the Doctor "for some air."  
The Doctor looks a me and asks "Are you sure? Sometimes they change their mind."  
"She didn't," I say "I'll just…I'll just go get her."  
And I walk outside.  
And you're not there.  
Like there was ever a possibility that you would be.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Kelly!"

Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. If you don't turn around maybe he'll just…maybe he'll just go away?

"Kelly!"

Ryan please, please, just go away.

"Kelly," I walk faster but you start running and you grab my arm and spin me around and I get this really weird feeling of déjà vu but I don't…I don't know why.

"Where are you going Kelly?"

"I don't…know." I say.

Maybe I just wanted you to lie to me. I think that's what it was. Maybe I just wanted some way to keep that feeling…that dizzy, sparkly, wonderful feeling, that almost drunk sort of happy feeling that I had on February 13th.  
The first time, the first time you know…kissed me.

Maybe there's apart of me that still wants you too. I mean I think, I think that's what I want you to do. I mean I've been lying to myself since the beginning right? Haven't I?

I've been lying to myself about you…that you really did want me…the way that I um…the way that I wanted you…

That way that I still kind of, sort of, do…want you…to hold my hand.

"You left." You say.

"Yeah," I say "I guess um…I guess I did. I guess I did because you know I..I um…I couldn't."

You look at me then. And you, you look for a very long time, like you're…like you're I don't know…like you're taking me in? Just…like you're taking the whole situation, everything, you're just taking it all in.

And then you take a deep breath…and then calmly, rationally you start to speak.

"Kelly," you say "I know that you're…I know that you're probably…really, really confused right now and…"

"Confused," I say "I'm um…confused?"

And you look at me, and for second it's like you're, you're actually pleading with me, to agree. To understand.

To understand you.

And it's like for the first time ever we're…I don't know…the same?

"Ryan," I say "Ryan," I tell you.

"I can't."

You look at me, and you close you eyes, like you're in pain and I want it back I want that moment back that moment where we were on the same wavelength finally, where we were the same.

I need that moment back, so that I can tell you, what I have to tell you.

"Ryan," I say "open your eyes look at me, please."

And you ball your hands into fists and slowly you release them, you open your eyes…and you look at me.

"I can't do it Ryan. I just…it's not like…it's not like it's a religious thing or a moral thing or a whatever thing I just…I just…"

"I lied to myself for two weeks saying that it was just the flu, that I was just a little late…when I'm, when I'm never late."

You stare at me.

"But I think I kind of think I that I knew from the beginning….I think I really think I kind of sort of knew from the…from the moment you know? From that second…."

The day the condom broke…oh god Ryan!

Ryan.

"And I tried to pretend, I kept trying to pretend because I was so…because I'm still so…so totally, completely, scared. I kept pretending until I couldn't anymore I…"

I can't I can't do this I can't do this I don't know what made me think I could I can't do this and still look at myself in the mirror after it's done I can't do this and still be me I can't do this and just…just go back to work tomorrow I can't do this and not I can't do this and breath I can't do this and, and, and, and, and, and… _live._

I can't do this Ryan.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Don't make me do this please.

Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pleeeeease.

"I'm sorry." I say "I'm so sorry….I made you believe that I could…because I can't because I…Ryan I won't. I just…I just won't."

You just standing there. You're just standing there looking at me. You're just standing there and you're…not…talking.

"It could…it could work Ryan. I mean…I could talk to my parent's and I could make them understand I know and…and I could make them listen and…we don't, we don't have to get married. I mean I know you I know you don't want to get married and yeah that's not what I wanted but you know life's about compromises right? Well…well will just…I mean this kind of thing happens all the time and people they, they make it work right and I think I could and I think you could I mean I know I could if you were if you were there…I just… I just I can do this but not alone I mean I know as long ad you're there I'll be okay if you…and yeah labor that'll be that'll be scary but if you're there and you, you hold my hand we could it would it would work Ryan we could we could be parent's I mean… and I just I just need you to be there because I could do it but only if you're there I could do this but only if you say that you'll be there and if you don't then it really is it's like I don't have a choice and just…I need you to be there. Please say you'll be there…I don't…I don't need anything else. I know it's a lot what I'm asking but I promise I'll never I'll never, ever ask you for anything else if you just…say you'll be there."

The words had spilled out of my mouth so fast I wasn't even totally sure what I had been saying, if I had been making any sense, but after wards I knew, I just knew I'd said everything I'd had to say, everything I could ever say about it…to you.

So I said it and then I waited while you took it all in and you stared at me.

I walked over to you. I walked closer to you. And I waited.

And then a second passed and then another where all we did was stand there, not saying anything.

And then you reached over and you…you tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.  
I guess it must have fallen into my face while I was…while I was talking, or crying, or both.

"Ryan?" I say.

And then you look at me like you're…like you're I don't know apologizing even though we both know that whatever you're about to say, no matter how you say it, we both know that you can never, ever apologize enough.

"This wasn't," you tell me so softly and so sad "this wasn't supposed to be…that."

And you touch my cheek and I don't move.

Neither of us move. For a very long time.


End file.
